This is Why

Hello again everyone. I know It's been awhile, sorry for keeping you all waiting.


Anyhow, I have as much as everyone else around me, noticed a change in the way i am. And well, pretty much no one likes it very much, especially me.
But you all saw me standing in the Lecture theatre. You all saw me standing, only me and another guy... nono not for an award, the winners were all in front (claps for them), I was standing up because I was the biggest failure of the theatre, alongside some other person i think (I didnt see him because I was too overwhelmed with shame to turn around and comfort myself, because I didnt at all find it comforting to know that I wasnt alone being the failure.) I've started studying, but really, theres no reason for anyone to misunderstand. I cant dream of gettin ahead of anyone right now... I'm merely struggling to catch up.

I remember how everyone talks and says, oh i didnt study too, no worries man, its all cool. And when the moment of truth comes up, everyone is sitting on their safe scores, while I'm ungraded. I did want to just break down at my seat and wail in the theatre, but whats the point? It's not going to raise my grades, or change anything. I am upset, and clearly aware that it is from my own doing. I was digging my own grave. Once or twice people have asked me if I am ok, thanks for the love, but if i said i wasn't, what then? I really do wish I was smart like you all. But wishing, too, doesn't hange anything. I wish I was better, what's the suprise? Now everytime I look at these people, I feel lower, lost. We can be standing in the same room, but they feel miles away, I feel miles behind.


This year started with my head in a pile of notes, barely catching my breath, hardly remembering what yesterday was like, drowning in the worries of what tomorrow would bring. It's probably a psychological problem, some sort of depression, I am trying to sound positive here. I just read about Perfect Competition (Economics) yeap, laugh, I know it's so- yesterday. I really... I love havin fun and hangin out and playin and all, but it's really gettin harder =/