Well, I guess I've officially decided that... I'm not gonna study this week. I'm going to slack... and slack... and slack. Yupp I guess this isnt exactly a polishing impression, but... i know what im doin=)

Anyhow, about my day... it was pretty uneventful for the first half. Except for the part where I went to meet the Aquila Excos to dicuss the entire organisation. I volunteered to design the board and, *claps* they liked the idea! *phew*

And in the evening, Hamim Audi and I went jamming! It was fantastic! (Like it is for almost every jamming session I go to) and we played songs like, 'Your Guardian Angel' and 'Wherever You will Go'. Thanks guys! It was really fun!

Uh yea... and I am burnt, very burnt from yesterday's tournament! My entire face is falling off(skin only=) but yea, its bad enough. Anyhow, I hope everyone is having a real happy holiday! (I know it don't exactly feel like one but...=D)

Anyhow, here's one of my favourite songs by RJA:

Your Guardian Angel:

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away,
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be ok
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

An angry poem

You can't blame me for how I feel
Lacerations twitch my kneels and blisters scale my heels
And my heart winds the reels
You can't blame me for how I feel
The hooks gone rusty
But still be no catch
I burn the fire
But no ferry I fetch
I'll be clenching these fists so tight
And squeeze out these tears of a melancholic night.
So what if the acid burns my filled stomache
When I'm starving in a famine of broken dreams
She walks this way, and walks away
Steps over the letters which I've strung and lay
And I wanted to stand point and lead
But now i'm left where open wounds bleed
Explicities roll off my tongue,
Blunt as my mind
And the wants for a change
Becomes a suffocating bind
And the best locks where my closest feelings be kept
Morph to an open floor where the winds have them swept
Angst says maul in vengence
Conscions fence me in sane defence
But of all the wars I indulge, in a punishment gluttony
There is one of the all which instead devours me
The mountains I cannot move, the rivers I can never change
The noise I cannot silence, and the happiness in mocking range
Sure I am angry, but what do you care?
Give me an example of one time, anywhere
Shovelling feet carry me through the bars and i'll lock myself up
The walls will scream out graffiti depressions while I down a poison cup
Even perspiration will race to keep a distance of my fluctuating thoughts
And the pulsating rythm shallows in eroding clots
I cant sleep because my intuition is twisted
And more twisted it becomes when the night races pass me
I am angry that I cant think of confide
Only to lead myself to social suicide
So upon a passing soul I plead for a dime
Roll on the floor like a demented mime
To recieve a palm of treason injustice
So I cling to its ankles with desperate practice
To taste the shun of an even more broken charade
Impale my discrimination in the charade parade
I'd say **** the world but there are nicer words to use
to describe a heart splintered into my skin,
A mind far abused.

Charles

The 'holidays' have already started and I haven't got anything done yet. Yea I have worked out a lil. Bladed relatively much (had a great time blading with Glenn, thanks=) , hung out alot. But I haven't had an inch of academic progress. I gotta start soon. So... waht's been going on so far? I apologize if i appear cynical in this post, but it was sheer internal tension that has driven me to update this blog. I had a floorball tournament last saturday and... it was a good experience, got third i think. I could have done better, but my mind far exceeded my body in lasting there. Well done guys. And oh yea... there was the passing out ceremony for school leaders.

I thought it was really cool that the captain position for touch was going to some really nice mate. But i cracked like a glass when I saw it fall in her hhands instead of mine. Something in me knew that if it weren't her, it'd have been me. And I have yet to swallow it, I really wanted it, I guess I wasn't enough. -stares at screen-

There slips something else, right through these fingers

Project work is getting on my nerves, not at all because of the people im working with- they're great people, but its because this subject feels like a huge road block, a tangled knot on a string, its just in the way. And I cant just overlook it.

Today, there was a touch Rugby tournament, well done girls- it was a good experiencec at least= and we can all learn from it. I felt the main factor there was speed, but you'd all stab me for making you run too much. Yea, i'd help if I were something.

But something was missing, and it wasn't a position.

It was an empty space.

And after the game, 6 hours later, we went for dinner, Glenn, Moses, Mas, Ting and I. It was nice getting to know them better and they are all wonderful people to me, interesting too. There was of course alot to learn.

What's that saying which refers to the situation of having a great day crushed at its end?

I guess it was a little hard for me to smile and lie through my teeth, but yea. I hate to point out names, and I guess by now you'd have known. But how the hell can anyone expect tact when tact isn't in their dictionary in the first place?

I need some sleep, but my minds' yet to feel tired.

and there is so much more to say...

I am definitely not in the right state of mind today.

Today was sports day, got a silvere medal for 4 by 4, i figured it was a really big achievement for me.
Had GP test and Chinese B one too.

' The world waits for no one'

I am terribly tempted to twist that line with love

'But I'll wait for you-'

Why?

'Because you are my world'

Yea I've been having all these insane build ups of stress anger and joy.

I had fun mingling with the crowd and making new friends, one of which I remember was 'fifi'

'But the hustle and bustle become a silent noise'

What? yea, I cant stop, it just keeps coming. I don't quite understand all these poetic things which come to my mind. I guess -

'It came its time to begin, The dormant Love bird within awakes to sing'

I will score no less than Bs for my summer test.
I will record the 'Troubled Clleff'
I will floor the ball sport.
I will gain 4 kgs
I will break in the moves for august

'Something snapped within when something closed without
Something rose to begin, when something died out.'

'I'll silence it before the first note
And I'll write over the lines I first wrote'

All said-

Seven days pass and nothing's amiss
Hearing the same calling, trying to be bliss
Even If I had to, believe not I'll try
Sympathy dont matter, may it not if you cry
Anything would be better
If you left me alone
Deep in you know, such is true to the bone

I know it is not true
Something I can do
Anything if it be
I just want nothing but you
Did it not come out right?

Where do you get such empty hopes?
Everyone listens but with so much to cope.
So I know I'm not the best, but the best that I can,
Anything for you, everything I am!
I don't think you quite get it, or more choose to believe not
Do you not see my actions, I want you to be forgot.

I believe anything can be, can you at least try to see?
Care not do I yet, I don't want us to be.
Reasons I cannot help are the odds that I'll fight!
It is no one's fault if you lose slumber tonight.
Everything my Love! Everything I'll give!
Do thyself a favour, and take oneself's leave.

Charles

Hello everyone=) Back to journal entries! 'Where do I start? I'm already lost!' I can't say life's been pretty... pretty? yea, I am starting to detest the workload very much and yea, although I hate to admit it, I must, I've failed practically every test so far. 'All the worlds' piling on me'. I can't sleep again, but I doubt I'd be up till three like the last morning. Besides the suffocating mount of homework, I've been having alot to sort out too, CCAs. I do wonder if my over ambitiousness had over taken me when I ddecided to join floorball. Don't get me wrong, the people are a fun lot, but I dont exactly fancy the idea of being unable to put in a hundred and one percent in whatever I do. But I'm in it, and I have to hold onto my obligation to give my best. I can't wait for June, when I'd finally get to purchase my own floorball stick. We're having a friendly match against NTU this saturday, tomorrow, and I am absolutely unprepared with only two sessions of practice. But still, I'll go for it=)

I just went up to my dad's room to check if he was home, and happened to glace at a photo of me and my two younger brothers there. Something struck me, guilt. I felt ripped inside for some reason. Somehow I had wished they could go back to the time when they were younger, and I'd take care of them, the way I can't now, like a bigger 'kor'. I recall how I always thought they were a hassle, and now that I only see them once a week, they've become a 'hassle' I miss. They aren't exactly doing well in school, and I know they need me, unconsciously to guide them, I'll find the time, I have to.

My dawgs in the hood aren't in the best times. I don't know if I'm in the position to say anything in detail, but we really gotta pull through. We gonna run it on teacher's day- Slip slide pass we know who what when where and why and we gonna find how to serve em up. 'It's the respect that's keepin us goin'

The june holidays are coming and I'm actually quite excited. Though studys' gonna be the main flow of everything, I've got things on the list to tick off. Glen and I are gonna 'burn it' for rugby, the hood and I 'run it' for august, I and I 'crash it' for floorball tournament, Joelle, Keniston, and I gonna 'chinga chang' out our first album (I really hope it pulls through), and I've got to finally spend some time with Mum, and I wanna spend some time wit you...

But I guess the real Icing on this life of mine is far out of reach.

It's really ironic how the easiest things to do become so hard, like saying... anything, anything at all, like smiling or forgetting it all.
I'm guessing by now, you already know,
Cause it's been louder than the words which were saying so,

May all the world witness what I speak inside
Yesterday's feelings just come back and hide
Hoping they'd stay there and never come out
Everything goes blur when it's you I hear about
Anything becomes nothing when I catch sight of you
Remembering how it was so easy to walk right on through
Take my heart, like it wakes to your name
Intense it becomes as a passion of flame
Sober and silent, in a sweet summer setting
All of my prayers for one single blessing
Cold or warm or both at a time
Repeating those seconds over in my mind
Yet in the Empyrean of your presence I feel as fragile as strong
Singing the chorus of the closest love song
Take my heart to make or to break
Anything I'd do - any risk I would take
Living this life would be living a lie, If I said when I saw you, my heart didn't fly

Charles

Lock to Unlock

I can't say life is complicated
But it is miles away from easy
There are so many things to do
And I probably forgot anything but busy
I probably forgot everything except work
I probably forgot everything but strain
I probably forgot what I've forgot
Then again, probably not

I haven't forgot, and I know I can't
I try to forget, but it keeps coming back
Back to the time I tried waving at you
And even the time my words tried to pull through
How I keep stumbling on the breath which called out your name
And the smile which left me far from the same
There are so many things but you keep coming on top,
All the world is piling, they're not letting me stop

I've got somewhere to go, and I'm starting again
I'm rollin the dice, but this isn't a game
I've got somewhere to go but there's something I should do
Because every little move is drawing me to you
I better lock up my heart because I'm already falling
Lock it away because I hear your name calling
I still look around to see if you're around
And I unconsciously hope you're all safe and sound
I'll lock up my heart and I'll throw the key away
But i hope, somehow you'd find it by the end of the day

I've got somewhere to go, and just so you know
I want you right with me, wherever I go.


Charles

My Cure

The Pain in my head takes only a pill,
A grumbling stomache yearns for a fill,
The blistering heat makes me long for a shade
While the slump Fatigued body cries for a bed.

Now I am down with a drifting mind
And this lonely heart becomes empty in time,
No one doctor may prescribe me a pill
And I can't ignore the symptoms which kill
I try to forget, forget that you're near
That I'm sick, Love sick to tears
But I am clinging to the life of the hope in your eyes
My emotions are thirsty for the courage, to break it's disguise

The pain in my head takes only a pill,
A grumbling stomache yearns for a fill,
The blistering heat makes me long for a shade
While my slump fatigued body cries for a bed

So fill my heart, brimmed with your love
A cherry tree shelter while the sun smiles above

I wanna be more,
I wanna be yours,
You are my Love Sickness

You are My Cure.

End

Hope you all Enjoyed my little novella! anyhow, read from the bottom up yea (for those who just started=)

All I want you to know

I knew I'd never be able to get to her... not anytime soon, not this lifetime at least.

I had recently participated in a talentime competition held in the college. I sang a song, I guess it'll be our song.
"If I were an Angel, you know you should be by my side
And I cant, no I can't care about the stars in the sky at night,
I would tear, I will tear, I would tear my wings off,
I would dive, I would dive, I would dive to your side
because I see my brighter heaven,
deep in your eyes."

I didn't win, because i didn't manage to sing the whole song, while on the verge of drowning in my own tears in front of a thousand students.

Saph, I miss you.

I may be seventeen, and I may have a long way in life to go.
But I know where I want to go after my last breath.
After earning my ticket to heaven, I would walk, run and fly...


...until I found a garden,
one with black roses all around.
And I'll sit on a bench, right beside you.
I'll hold you hand and never let go, and I'll tell you everything...
that I missed you,
that all I thought of was us...
And that-
you know I Love you too.

When I went home without a heart

Saj and Natasha sent me home, I was too weak to stand up on my own. I just didn't feel like moving, my body had become numb, light with the weight of a missing heart. I sat, slumped against the wall beside my bed, eyes swelled and in slits. My mother tried coaxing me into telling me what happened, but my petrified state outran her patience till even she began to heed Natasha's advice of giving me some time alone. Slowly, the wind started whistling, i had thought it was going to rain. But instead, I wass greeted with a thump on my head, it was the black book. The wind must have blown it off the shelf and it fell open to a new page. I had never came across this entry, but I was glad I did then.

(Entry)
I wish I didn't have to leave. But we can't fight heaven. I never allowed myself to admit it, but... WHy is it only after I decide that I have fallen in love that I have to leave? You know I love- (the last word was smuged, a tear?)

I began to cry again, pride had little to no value for me as I let myself sob and wail like a newborn. I wanted to see her so badly, I needed to see her, I had to tell her something. There were countless instances where I wanted to take my own life just so I could pay her a visit, permanently. But taking your own life only sends you to hell, the furthest place from her.

I misss you Saph.

Don't leave me

Chad limped all the way, almost instinctively to... Sapphire.?
She was there, standing in the flesh. To Chad, he saw her, and seeing was believing, nothing else mattered.
"Saph!... I knew they got it wrong! Thank God your Okay! I was so worried! Did you see the article?! It said you were-"
"Chad..."
"I know! It's so crazy! How can they say your dead if your right here?!"
"Chad!" She cried, and slowly, tears began rolling down her cheek, before she continued "There's nothing wrong with the article..." Saph stretched out a trembling hand, and passed Chad a familiar sheet of crumpled paper. Chad opened it up, it was the article. This time, he noticed the date, the year, 2004 Three years ago, when the dreams stopped. "No Saph... it can't... your not dead! you're standing right here!"
"They told you Chad, you know already."
"It was a dream! A stupid dream!" Chad began denying his entire encounter with the 'white' voice, quiverring so much in denial that he shook tears out of his eyes.
"Now that you know, I have to go"
"You can't go Saph..." Hoping she could change her mind.
"I can't stay, I'm not even here! See! non of them can see me!" she said, pointing to the huge, puzzled crowd behind her.
Saj was in the front row, watching Chad in utter confusion, why was Chad talking to nobody?
"I don't care Saph! I can see you! I know your here!"
"Chad... I must go"
Saph took her steps toward Chad, and kisssed him on his left cheek, which only made him cry even more uncontrollably. She turned away and began walking toward the oblivious crowd. It was heart shattering as Chad slowly watched as Saph disappeared into thin air, until all he was looking at, was a seemingly frightened parade before him.