Some kill-time tale

Tick, tick,ti-..

That's one sound you will always hear, whether you know it or not. Time, it doesn't pass us by. It bleeds you dry.

My names' John. No, my names' Charles. No, that's the name of my author. Then again, we're the same people. Person. But not every single thing I'm going to say is true, or illusionary  false. I, he, must be in a pretty messed up state of mind to be even writing this.

This is a list, a crafted list. This is today, yesterday, and will-be tomorrow.

Cheers

Everything is still. Not literally, but there is still much to do. He sits, staring blankly at the screen. Still-shot. Fingers on the keys, but nothing typed. Its two in the morning. From the back, one would imagine the setting of a mad scientist, a mess of knowledge, notes, strewn over the desk. But zooming out, the rest of the room is fixed in a geometrical neatness. Plain, is what one would call it; bleach walls, yearning for character. That was missing. No wonder people were so silent on visits. 

What If

Yes, I am, Yes, am here

And all I am become, cease to hear

No, it's fine, nothing at all,

And I will serve you minutes, hours, days, on a platter,

Years

I cannot deny, this is no favor

my debt to you, our debts to you-

My wallet, bleeds to finance it,

I breathe yet, for you

Three, two, one

Heir, to the throne

To three cheers for one,

The throne, alone

Rheumatism still,

But i always go to bed dry

brittle, your leaf

Tis these tears

I think I'm even crying for you

I came first, 

I am first,

right in front of you

but hardly seen

Seeing, seen, 

a reflection in my eyes

Or perhaps, through these inward mirrors

Do you desire to hold the hands of them behind me

It is strange,

Perhaps unfair, 

Yet the largest ironic debt

is chained to my neck...

I am your parasite,

I feed off you

and you know it

you give it

But I cry to question

Why do you do so

Really, why?

I am no fool

And I am no tool

And though I kneel 

as an armrest, 

There is always tomorrow

And This vindictive revenge will be mine-

Yours-

To make you feel the burn of your frost

And I will cry again,

because I'd hate to see you mirror my bleeding,

I am merely a seedling

Shelter me, because I am dying,

To you-

Scream at me, for screaming at you

for screaming at me,

for screa...

Tomorrow, your loss

Tomorrow, my loss

Later My remorse,

Later your regret-

I wish it were different,

I wish you'd embrace me,

hold me near-

Like you used to,

Like in my dreams

Winter stings all trees,

But I am a fallen leaf

And it stings to see:

Even in the white snow,

You'd make sure your other leaves never fall

But I wilt,

Even alive,

But I do not wilt,

for you-

I'd drop my heart,

to catch yours,

And the tale usually ends

with me returning yours

and nursing my void of broken glass

You dont need another pair of helping hands

You've got two to spare

Perhaps its not an extra need

Perhaps its about one less mouth to feed

Tomorrow, your loss

Tomorrow, I might be lost

Later I am cracked

Later you are cracking

I am here

...

I am here

...

I AM HERE!

DAMN IT!

I AM FUCKING HERE!

I AM HERE, And YOU DON'T HEAR

But I am here.

.. 

But you are breaking me

Because I want you to Love me 

like I see

Like how you really can

Because I love you more

Tomorrow a question

Tomorrow I could be dead,

Tomorrow uncertain

But let's look at today instead

Today I'm your son,

Today you're my Dad

What's new? 

Nothing, absolutely nothing- though this in itself is ironically new in itself

Nah... not... i over-credit myself

anywhay

no

theres no any-way

there's only one

it is quite sickening- how i study and study like some geek- just that i pretty dont much get anywhere

havent been doing much better i've noticed

right, im wasting space using "enter".  

im supposed to sleep now

later

so anyhow, I wonder how the world is doing... i hear my friends are getting straight As

thats great for them, kinda hurts to hear though, but great nevertheless

been watching tv lately- havent done that in months (feels.... enriching?)

you know... reading on this post is really gonna waste your time.. so unless you are so free like me (which I am hardly),

you should do something else... like watch youtube.

Oh yea! I tried writing a song to God. Inspiration hit me like a brick! That's why i couldnt finish it cuz it kinda knocked me out. 

I wonder... I wonder so many things... don't you? Wonder what we're all doing here

Wonder what I'm doing here, typing

For attention? For a listening ear? Watching eye? To share?

I figured I get at a  lost for words whenever something is not good or bad/ right or wrong. Normality is a void in me.

Maybe thats the bloody problem- I'm always hoping for something extravagant.

And it gets on my F****** nerves.

Its because I always hope for fireworks or a river to part that I am always unrested.

Ambition is a brave thing, but it tires you. It's tiring me.

I do have normal ambitions too... which ironically are the greatest ambitions in its own way: like, having a family, 2 kids, simple life, happy.

sweet

but even that is extravagant

at least to me

Make up your mind Charles...

Before you lose it.

Its been awhile hasn't it?

So whats the big news?!

I had a great birthday party with my friends at Pizza hut!

ok

back to reality,

Prelims are coming

I'm tired

Not in the bad way/ or whatever way it could be

Had alot of political problems: well im sure you dont expect me to type anything about it here=)

Ah the green beyond! Oh brave New world it is where everything is so da- so efficient=) fellow lit students=)

Yea its nothing new, I've been rambling about freedom so much lately I'm getting bored of it too. It's become some lame idea. ANyhow, I am stuck here. Unlss of course I never return. Well, there is skype... and anyhow... my friends are here. But there is skype. And if it weren't for my parents...

I'll have my revenge!

hahaha kiddin.

maybe.

I'll turn a blind eye, open but blind,
I'll shut a deaf ear, shut nontheless,
I'll sing a bright song, but it will blind you not,
And you'll feel my heart beating though its a Hearing confess.

Ambition sat, on my heart and sank,
And it ran to my mind, filling it blank,
Bleeding ink, bleeding eyes, bleeding senses all dry,
The sounds draw your footsteps even though-
I turn a blind eye.

Don't we all hope this was all a dream?
And we shall wake up in a place where we have all been,
But what if all our senses, had slept in chaos' sweet song?
What if all this were a dream, a sweet dream all along?

-Charles G. Low
26. 08. 08

I was playin with youtube and tried recording... and my com was lagging like mad so it wouldnt stop recording, if you really are dying of boredom... and i mean really dying of it, then you may scroll to the pits of this page... go crazy!

BUT before you scroll down to watch, let me warn you, it is flawed... no... it is VERY flawed. But its one of my better ones so go wild and imagine how bad I can be. Wait! thats not the point! Just entertain yourself. Anyhow, there are annotations on what I was thinking and all that (its some cool youtube feature...) which you can only see if you view the retarded clip on youtube itself.... for some reason it doesnt show up here!

Cheers=)

Hello again.

Here I am, back and awre of the unstable state of mind I'm in=)

Guess what?! Prelims are almost over!!!!!

WWWHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- not.

So what? the A's arent...

no big surprise there!

Anyhow, I went down to study and WOW! there was...

ok so I studied and I came home and here I am. what a post. think think.... there must be something interesting....

ok,.... i cannot believe it is that bad....

Oh wells, till later! (/ much later)

School, is the best place to meet people, 

the worst place to know people.

Catch my drift?

If you get sucked in to the current of studying, you may make it through, but your social life wont. Okay, maybe not yours, maybe you're handling it way better than I can, but that's how its turning out for me.

So, here's the message to my friends,

I am a social landmine

Clearly it is when studies are on my mind

I wont say I'm going to try to fit in some social effort

Becuase it either is there or not

Studies are making me hard to talk to

But I still listen, no worries, if you can't wait till A's are over=)

But the bottomline message is,

Give me till after A's, and we can hang out,  no stress, no burdens, just you, me us, a nice talk, a good easy time,

And we could get to know each other all over again

till then, study hard, take care

and I'll see you there!

I wish my Dad appreciated me

Ok well, we cant talk about all victories right?!

We had a friendly with VJ and shit... they were good. Respect. That's how we're supposed to play!

Anyhow, enough with the praises, that's as good as you get from me. Hahahaha

 Work hard guys. (the main purpose of this post is to balance out my other post because when i re read it, about the NJ match, i think i sounded like we were undefeatable. well......

hahahaa

Cheers

Guess what!? We beat NJC! it wasnt a comfortable victory though... 4 to 3 so... we can say that it was pretty much like a draw... Nah, we won. HAHAHA ok ok I was just Playin. Anyhow, today I saw real potential in the IJ players, like suddenly all of em went into overdrive and really unleashed everything they've learnt.

The cutting of the team will be a hard decision for whoever is makin it, but it's for the team, so I hope those who dont make it understand. Anyhow, to be extremely positive, there would be next year (of which those who didnt cut it this time should be able to cut it then=)

Ok, back to my life, the first thing I wanted to say when opening this post was... screw prelims.

I'm sacrificing it for the A divs. Honestly, It'll be one of the biggest sacrifices in my history! I swear. So after all teh A divs, i will go into social landmine state and collect dust in the study room( or wherever one may dwell), grow a beard and try to score in a whole new game altogether, or maybe not so new, the A levels.

Honestly, I cant wait for it to be over. It's like taking a 2 year-deep breath, turning blue for the last second before you finally get to breathe and do what you want again! Or maybe not, because it's taking another breath in NS again... shucks...

Yea I got into Frickin Pes B beacause I'm partially colour blind. Sometimes I do wonder, whe do people choose Red and Green for start and stop, not something more obvious like Blue and yellow, or red and blue. Haha, do you think the person who came up with red and green was colour blind for blue and yellow?

Probably!

Something else I've noticed... I havent written or posted a poem in forever...

I wanna go: Ahh... its all so tiring! Why dost thee have to go through all this turmoil? Why?! Why can't I find an Answer?! Why?! If only there was someone who could help me...

Well... then I snap up in the next millisecond and go... that's a waste of time to be askin those questions Charles... and by the way... there really is someone who can help you.

Yourself.

I was talking to my friend today, and he mentioned that it's good to have someone give deep-thought advice. Well, trophy to all who already know I appreciate you and I'd like to say thanks to this passer-by person who has refused to tell me who he/ she is... But thanks for the deep advice. By my character, I've got to be more... open to advice and opinion, I have this ingrained tendency to like going against odds, yes , retarded I know, and I havent been very welcoming of all the things this passer-by has been telling me. But I've re read em all and I just wanna say thanks again.

Cheers=)

Ok so now about my day.... training the whole day! wow! yes... I'm very tired.. but more than that, I wanna win the A'divisions, and I am clear of the price to pay, alot of energy. We can do this guys.

Thus, we need not lose

Because we need not be lazy.

You get it.

So... forever it has been, again, since my last post.

What's new? Nothing much really.

A division floorball is coming up and guess what!? I devised a strategy play! Here's how it goes: this guy will pass to that guy and then run here while the other guy recieves the ball there and pass it to the other guy who takes it back to the same guy who then passes it to the previous guy who takes it and shoots! cool huh? no worries, i know none of you got that but, I have it on paper=)

Prelims are really taking a toll on me (Preperations i mean)

I had my National Service check up yesterday, and being my critical self, I , according to the booklet they gave me (which also labels a person's life as a about hundred thousand dollars,) I shall not comment to avoid being slammed in jail. 

Shucks.... I was labelled colour blind... I swear I'm not... ok a lil... I do think grey is pink sometimes (ask my friends)

Tick tick tick... 4 more minutes before i have to leave the house...for floorball that is.

Really wonder when I can have time to write songs and really record them... ok dumb question! After A's of course!

think think! what else did I want to say?!

"Ignorance is not bliss

Bliss is he who can afford to be ignorant."

- Charles(Yes! a quote that makes me go...ahhh... so philosophical! and it's mine! unless of course someone has already taken it=)

Oh! someone in my tagboard said I was cool and i'm not a social disaster: that was sweet, made me feel really happy=) Though I still think I am (according to my friends who have been with me knowing I have been a social landmine), Thank You!

Shucks! It's 8am!

Gotta go.

The tide is falling, brace yourself...

... or run like hell.

OH MY GOSH!

I just read what i typed in the last post and...

uh...

that is ...

hahaha i thought it was reaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllyyyyy wierd that i wrote something like that (shivers)

I swear, i must have been wrecked to write that.

Anyhow, holidays are starting and i have been my usual social disaster 

Sick... cant wait for As to be over so im not weighed down by this stress 

Cheers!

I wish I had a girlfriend... so I could call her out in the middle of the night, and we'd go hang out and talk. I'd tell her anything and everything and she'd understand. She'd smile at me and hold my hand and make it all better.

That'd be nice...

Because i feel like a complete wreck now. 

I dont get replies when I talk to the walls

My mirror isnt giving me a point of view

My blanket is warm, but it comforts me not.

Wouldn't it be nice?

Ok, I just had to type that out.

I hate work

I love work

I feel like a wreck.

It's just an opinion and something I wanna write down

I don't need a reply

Today was great! I took a nap and woke up full of energy and managed to do 2 essays! wheet! Still below optimum productivity level i know, and i'lls top saying its a good start because.... good starts were supposed to be long ago, now is the time for good going! cheers everyone

Thanks Rising Crew

Have you guys seen Cambridge? The university?

It is absolutely beautiful! Studying in a castle!

Sweet stuff! And on top of all the awesome costumes and lovely environment, you walk out with a degree to die for! HWOW!

And Harvard! all people do is see your university and they slam your resume shut, "YOUUR HIRED!"

And everything just goes up and up and up and... ahhh... yes, something to look forward to

I cant just walk, my legs are jelly, I wanna sprint!

Fly and scream and yes, my head's in a cloud, but I'm flying up, soon to catch up with it!

That's my dream school/ schools. Work hard Charles!


How do I feel?


Absolutely Brilliant!

Econs is over, and so have part of my H3 dreams... nah... nono thats not over. Anyhow, I'd like to say a few things to a few people

First of all :

To my dear friend, oh yes, he actually convinced me that he was a nice guy but... well, your arrogance kicked in a little too hard today didnt it? I'm gonna make you run for your money, run like hell. if you can call someone stupid for doing his exam the way everyone else did, then i think you're quite an asshole. SO much for calling him your friend yes? I'll flame you for who you are now. And if you're ever in need of consolation, I'm here for you, to completely run you down. 

Apart from that, I talked to a sec school friend today, and he's off in melbourne having the time of his life! haha and he told me, that I should be too, thanks for the reminder, I dont need all this stress now.

And I've gotten pretty sick of being pessimistic, murphy's law is boring me tremendously. "I don't know" is not a grey spot, it's called fear of saying yes or no. If you're being convenient about it, then save it.

I think I forgot that I was someone, it's called self debasement, and I've had enough of that too. So im on a diet, a melancholy diet. Time to drop the stress and all the trash, and walk out into the sun.

Block tests have begun today... and well... math was interesting. It appeared I knew what I was doing, but my answers came out all funny so.... I guess maybe i didnt

haha oh wells...

I realised the exam period is the most absolutely worst time for studying, it just doesnt feel right... I mean look at me! haha im here blogging right now!

I have got to stop dreaming. Thou shalt wake up and start doing things! I swear!

I think block results are gonna hit me like a bus, and thou shalt get reeeady for an emotional roller coaster.

Have you ever wondered how open you should be about the way you feel?

On my part, I've got far more interior monologue than dialogue in this play of my life. It would seem I have three interior lines to every one I actually say!

Which is scary, because I then wonder how many people would be left to listen to absolutely everything I think.

We do forget that we do make mistakes too. Notice the fantastic lines that go : we're just human.... and also, i know we're human but... thats just...

Ok that was a leak of interior monologue.

Blogs are personal personal online journals... so how personal is it really?

By now you would/ should have noticed Im just sitting in front of my screen, typing out random thoughts which do not necessarily have to link with each other=)

I am as optimistic as I am pessimistic... that's quite an irony/ paradox/ oxy moron... shucks... What do those words mean again?

I am unsound person, yes , warning to all of you! hahaha , I've got alot on my mind...

So anyhow, do you like extreme people or moderate people? (extremely moderate= moderate)

Do you like people who want to survive, or those who want to fly?

CIGX-M= AD= AE

shucks... ok i should stop using shucks... baets shit though... ok... hmmm 

BEETLES!

haha yes... that'll be better

what am i gonna- yawn...

ok

tiredness dot com...

My head hurts- so does every other part of me...

i'll be off to bed soon... 

When things become cliche, are they boring? or are they right?

So anyway, tell me something interesting everybody!

I feel like crying...

Alright... off too bed!

cheers!

One Afternoon-

Why does it rain when the clouds become heavy?

Why do I cry when this heavy heart weighs me?

Why is it always easier said than done

Why do I wake when Autumn has come?

This midsummer day is far from a dream

These razor sharp rays, split my last standing seams

This not a finger fighting back such bleak gravity

This is a thread, and me hanging for love's eternity

Tis' fire of yours is slipping out of my fingers

Don't blow it out

Scorch my skin for all it takes

Because without it, I'll have nothing to lose

Because there'll be nothing to keep

But will the wind bow it out

I know not ...

not yet

One morning-

Name the sun of these twenty four hours

Epitome of demise, mine or ours

Name it a midnight, in the ending hours

And no morning rise, no summer flowers

Dead knots under state a tongue tied heart

Piece this puzzle and pull it apart

A look could bloom a thousand roses

And fill a thousand doses

A picture says a thousand words

But this word love, paints a thousand Pictures

I thought of this poem, after I watched the doors close

With words hanging in the balance

This poem cannot close...

Not yet

Charles

Random Poem

Ambition

Have you tasted the tears tracing your swollen cheeks?

Have you tasted the broken heart that reeks

Of thoughts that shudder before the mind could catch

And shudder alike in a quaking match

struck up a flame, shivering thin

To guide the lame, where has thou been

Under the bed, from thy nightmarish dreams

Of tomorrow's foreshadow, like a blackening stream

That veins the body, and roots in'th soul

Where on both shoulders in some comforting ghoul

which calms thy storms on a sunny day

Break all silence and light the way

Here's the key, to this beating chest

Here's the ward to wake thee from rest,

Existence is cruel, more to some than others

Even I am misjudged by my absent blunders

The time would come soon, where this ward will be free

For thee to open, and carry to me

And place in return the crimson eye

To breathe into me, or let to die

To let or live, to keep or give,

The flesh in'th heart is tender and real

Like a truth to deny, 

when a fellow smile lies,

I will not drown in thy mercy

I will not let Ambition flee thee.

Hello Everyone, This Is Just A Random Poem I Came up With:

A Complication

 

When does he decide between the heart and mind?

And when he walks from the fork, what would he find?

These letters in ink, sweat, blood and tears

Yet too deep to be shared in this suffocating atmosphere

This belligerent love, a cutting bed of roses

Chained under the falls,

Trying to breathe through it all.

 

Yesterday was a hope full, today a savage sum

Blinding pair of rainbows shines to me, numb

I remember your lips upon mine

I remember the place, but there was no time

But you’d never recall

Because it was a midnight charade, that’s all

 

You could make me run so fast

That’d even trenches fail to drown,

To this complication I will trust,

That there is a light from falling down

 

What can he do when his courage runs dry?

But visits in the absence,

When it’s too late to try?

Could we wonder if Ever

Some accident could Stir

A blessing in disguise

For some angel undisguised.

 

I've got to lock This heart up,

And dam a river of tears,

And Hold me breath

When fear becomes Dear.

This is Why

Hello again everyone. I know It's been awhile, sorry for keeping you all waiting.


Anyhow, I have as much as everyone else around me, noticed a change in the way i am. And well, pretty much no one likes it very much, especially me.
But you all saw me standing in the Lecture theatre. You all saw me standing, only me and another guy... nono not for an award, the winners were all in front (claps for them), I was standing up because I was the biggest failure of the theatre, alongside some other person i think (I didnt see him because I was too overwhelmed with shame to turn around and comfort myself, because I didnt at all find it comforting to know that I wasnt alone being the failure.) I've started studying, but really, theres no reason for anyone to misunderstand. I cant dream of gettin ahead of anyone right now... I'm merely struggling to catch up.

I remember how everyone talks and says, oh i didnt study too, no worries man, its all cool. And when the moment of truth comes up, everyone is sitting on their safe scores, while I'm ungraded. I did want to just break down at my seat and wail in the theatre, but whats the point? It's not going to raise my grades, or change anything. I am upset, and clearly aware that it is from my own doing. I was digging my own grave. Once or twice people have asked me if I am ok, thanks for the love, but if i said i wasn't, what then? I really do wish I was smart like you all. But wishing, too, doesn't hange anything. I wish I was better, what's the suprise? Now everytime I look at these people, I feel lower, lost. We can be standing in the same room, but they feel miles away, I feel miles behind.


This year started with my head in a pile of notes, barely catching my breath, hardly remembering what yesterday was like, drowning in the worries of what tomorrow would bring. It's probably a psychological problem, some sort of depression, I am trying to sound positive here. I just read about Perfect Competition (Economics) yeap, laugh, I know it's so- yesterday. I really... I love havin fun and hangin out and playin and all, but it's really gettin harder =/