Friday, November 21
Some kill-time tale
Sunday, November 16
Thursday, September 18
Wednesday, September 3
Tuesday, August 26
I'll shut a deaf ear, shut nontheless,
I'll sing a bright song, but it will blind you not,
And you'll feel my heart beating though its a Hearing confess.
Ambition sat, on my heart and sank,
And it ran to my mind, filling it blank,
Bleeding ink, bleeding eyes, bleeding senses all dry,
The sounds draw your footsteps even though-
I turn a blind eye.
Don't we all hope this was all a dream?
And we shall wake up in a place where we have all been,
But what if all our senses, had slept in chaos' sweet song?
What if all this were a dream, a sweet dream all along?
-Charles G. Low
26. 08. 08
Tuesday, July 1
Wednesday, June 25
Monday, June 23
Wednesday, June 18
Wednesday, June 11
Monday, June 9
Thursday, June 5
Tuesday, May 27
Friday, May 16
Monday, March 31
Saturday, March 22
It is absolutely beautiful! Studying in a castle!
Sweet stuff! And on top of all the awesome costumes and lovely environment, you walk out with a degree to die for! HWOW!
And Harvard! all people do is see your university and they slam your resume shut, "YOUUR HIRED!"
And everything just goes up and up and up and... ahhh... yes, something to look forward to
I cant just walk, my legs are jelly, I wanna sprint!
Fly and scream and yes, my head's in a cloud, but I'm flying up, soon to catch up with it!
That's my dream school/ schools. Work hard Charles!
How do I feel?
Absolutely Brilliant!
Tuesday, March 18
Monday, March 17
Friday, March 14
One Afternoon-
Wednesday, March 12
One morning-
Friday, February 29
Random Poem
Wednesday, January 9
A Complication
When does he decide between the heart and mind?
And when he walks from the fork, what would he find?
These letters in ink, sweat, blood and tears
Yet too deep to be shared in this suffocating atmosphere
This belligerent love, a cutting bed of roses
Chained under the falls,
Trying to breathe through it all.
Yesterday was a hope full, today a savage sum
Blinding pair of rainbows shines to me, numb
I remember your lips upon mine
I remember the place, but there was no time
But you’d never recall
Because it was a midnight charade, that’s all
You could make me run so fast
That’d even trenches fail to drown,
To this complication I will trust,
That there is a light from falling down
What can he do when his courage runs dry?
But visits in the absence,
When it’s too late to try?
Could we wonder if Ever
Some accident could Stir
A blessing in disguise
For some angel undisguised.
I've got to lock This heart up,
And dam a river of tears,
And Hold me breath
When fear becomes Dear.
Sunday, January 6
This is Why
Anyhow, I have as much as everyone else around me, noticed a change in the way i am. And well, pretty much no one likes it very much, especially me.
But you all saw me standing in the Lecture theatre. You all saw me standing, only me and another guy... nono not for an award, the winners were all in front (claps for them), I was standing up because I was the biggest failure of the theatre, alongside some other person i think (I didnt see him because I was too overwhelmed with shame to turn around and comfort myself, because I didnt at all find it comforting to know that I wasnt alone being the failure.) I've started studying, but really, theres no reason for anyone to misunderstand. I cant dream of gettin ahead of anyone right now... I'm merely struggling to catch up.
I remember how everyone talks and says, oh i didnt study too, no worries man, its all cool. And when the moment of truth comes up, everyone is sitting on their safe scores, while I'm ungraded. I did want to just break down at my seat and wail in the theatre, but whats the point? It's not going to raise my grades, or change anything. I am upset, and clearly aware that it is from my own doing. I was digging my own grave. Once or twice people have asked me if I am ok, thanks for the love, but if i said i wasn't, what then? I really do wish I was smart like you all. But wishing, too, doesn't hange anything. I wish I was better, what's the suprise? Now everytime I look at these people, I feel lower, lost. We can be standing in the same room, but they feel miles away, I feel miles behind.
This year started with my head in a pile of notes, barely catching my breath, hardly remembering what yesterday was like, drowning in the worries of what tomorrow would bring. It's probably a psychological problem, some sort of depression, I am trying to sound positive here. I just read about Perfect Competition (Economics) yeap, laugh, I know it's so- yesterday. I really... I love havin fun and hangin out and playin and all, but it's really gettin harder =/
Monday, October 22
Back to the aim
Saturday, October 20
About time!
Tuesday, October 9
That boat has sailed
Wednesday, September 12
Discovery of the century
What is the importance of the mantle in continental drift?
b) The mantle consists of both the Lithosphere and the Asthenosphere where the Lithosphere overlies the Asthenosphere, divided by the Mohorovicic discontinuity. However, though this is not answering the question, one must argue that it is not absolutely true that the “Mohorovicic divide truly exists. I do believe that this is one of the major flaws in the history of Genuine Geographical study. Mohorovicic could have been the name of the founder of this theory, maybe. But I dare say that if Moho was a man, who’s parents were geologists too, his parents must have been named Litho and Aestheno for him to be put in the middle. I beg to differ, that this man, cannot say what he has put forward is true, because he, has never been into the discontinuity himself. I am not saying I have, but the use of common sense has given me the visual image that there is in fact, no Mohorovicic divide, nor is there a lithosphere or an Asthenosphere. I believe, that they are all one, that they are, just simply, the mantle. You see, it is not possible to place a divide anywhere between the two spheres because the heat from the core diminishes slowly, gradually, as it gets further away from its source. For example, 200km away from the core, the temperature may be ‘x’ but 201 kilometers away, the temperature will definitely be less than ‘X’ where it can be any distance beneath the crust from the core of the earth. For example, if you turn on the oven and leave it open. If you stood 2 meters away from the oven, you would feel almost no heat. But as you take steps closer to it, you will gradually feel more heat being emitted from it until you eventually reach the source and burn yourself. But the point is, that like the oven, the core is the source of heat and its strength weakens as it gets further away from the core and that the temperature decrease is constant. It would make no sense if you could have a divide between the oven and yourself called the Hitachi discontinuity where you’d suddenly cook yourself after crossing a certain boundary. I however, will still give Moho some credit for his very well attempt in putting his name in history and call the new theory, which I have discovered with my fellow classmate, the Mohorovicic Gradual distribution. But for professionals who would rather address this discovery by its true name, they shall call it C.A.K.E., or in full, The Charles and Kevin Explanation. So, back to the question of how the mantle might be important in the processes involved in plate tectonics.
Thank You.
Sunday, August 26
Me: Oh well... cant be us since there were already three names on th elist=/
Assembly man: ok ffirst we have: bla bla bla (i forgot who), led by lalalaalala (i forgot whom)
Me: Sad stuff... wish my group got in...
Assembly man: Next we have Trouble Cleft led by Charles Low from 0741C.
Me: What in the world did that man just say?
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! hahahahah yupp WE MADE IT~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So we practiced on sat and changed the song/ songs and and and I CANT WAIT FOR TML!!!!!!!!!! HOPE THE REHERSAAL GOES GOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wish me luck=)
Monday, August 20
where do i start... mm
I guess the latest peice of news is that I had a crush on this girl in school. I gotta admit it. And I conclude its just a crush, well at least started off as one, since I started liking her way before I even got to know her.(Dont make sense yea? well It didnt to me=)
So her birthday just passed and I made a lil gift (which took a lil more than eight hours to make) and I was really really really happy I did it! I just wanted to see a smile and her 'I had hoped to be estatic' reaction=D But... though I didnt really expect much of a reaction... I was suprised that I didnt get half a reaction at all..
Wow! haha yea... your welcome anyhow.
Getting a half hearted reply can be frustrating sometimes... but that'll do anyday when you're getting non at all=)
And well, the last thing I gotta say today, is that If someone wants to tell me something like.. for example, Im not interested, it's always easier to say it to me(through sms, call, or mail- call's best.. or even face to face!) than to tell your friend to tell her friend to tell my friend to tell me.
Cheers!
I've been thinking...
Alot about NS... and well, apart from teh fact that I'd love to be a pilot and I completely dont mind their Jungle trails and harsh living, I cant get over my fear of heights (so much for pilot huh?) I reeeallly dont wanna do reservice for the years after because I know I can do much more AND I still cant get over the fact that I have to serve NS before becoming a British citizen (I dont wanna call any government gay... but..) I mean, dont get me wrong... Singapore, is with no doubt one of the most sophisticated cities in the world and Iove living here.
ANyhow, today we entered the POP talentime showcase auditions and.... We have no idea of the results yet!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
not funny.
HAHAHAHA
CHeers!
Sunday, August 12
Random thought=)
And I'm supposed to infer the silence?
Didn't that mean something?
AHAHHA are you serious?
No more was it about the things she said, I heard from you
Now its more of what she didn't say, what you didn't do
Should I cry or merely weep
In thoughts so deep, now I must sleep.
Nites mum.
I took a look at my friendster profile and thought: 'That's a long time ago' hahah jokes! yea it was. I guess most of the stuff there still applies but here's an update of my life!
After this short- uneventful holiday, I'm gonna step into a new lifestyle- just to see how it goes. And no, i have no idea how healthy it is for both body and soul... but what the heck eh? hahaha like i said- we'll see!
On mondays- I'm gonna really burn those neurons in school till around 6 thirds before I run it home to slip into my un-school uniform to breathe in the early morning air! Yeap, time for the night life! But of course this form hof relaxation has to be earned with my unhindered concentration in school.
I've got touch Rugby on tuesdays so... you do the math= Home sleep- Wednesday.
Wednesday is study day again- till about five thirds before I run it home and... night life? I've yet to decide... c'mon sam! NEXT WEEK!
Thursday is concluded with touch training and Music to fill in the gaps
Friday is untouched... yet. so fill me up!
Sat nights I'm floorballing with Feat-G and probably working out- probably=)
Sundays are Alleluia (is that how you spell it) days, lunch with mum and gramps and the aunts and runnnin it home to prepare for the next week of school.
My mid course hasn't even started and I'm already planning for the holidays- call me insane- and i'd probably agree.
So many things I wanna do!
but yea that'll be on another post=)
And please people, I was born on teh 22nd of july so my birthday is over!
Cheers!
gotta sleep now.
zeds
Sunday, July 22
haha oh wells, touch tournament was just yesterday... and it was really fun! haha yeap. Though we didnt win- at all, the experience was great. Hey! haha and we did considerably well for a team which only practiced together only once. Anyhow, one last one for flooball and FREEDOM! I can finally start studyin and doing all the other stuff I wa- nah... hahaha studyin first will do yea? hahaha. Anyhow, I must say, this ""passerby" person did shed some sense to me so- thanks!
I let my brother try floorball- and he liked it! haha finaally!- Something to do with them on the weekends!
My legs have been jelly the whole day from fatigue!
In the cab home, the driver missed a turn and hit the breaks all of a sudden- causing the cab to skid! My gosh, haaha i was just stunned- and he didnt even apologise! jokes, then he nearly knocked a turning car.
From tomorrow onwards... I've got to study REAL HARD- For lawschool!... I think mama's cooking=D
BRB!
Sunday, July 15
So whats up?
LOTS! (Really)
Let's see... a couple of weeks ago, I was suffering form a bacterial tonsilitis infection (holy crap). But I'm ALIVE~ phew...
Li Ting was really sooooooo nice to help me get the nerds ropes! Thanks Bunny!!! XP
And right now, I'm in the middle of the floorball 'A' divisions tournament-league thing. It has been a great experience so far, and I find the fast paced game rather addictive- the adrenaline and energy of the game truly gets me going. So far we've been up against M.I., Y.J. and N.J., all fantastic teams where we experienced a draw, loss, and a win respectively=)
So well... prayin hard for the next few matches =D (just spent 2 hours practicin!)
Anyhow, Just yesterday, before the match with N.J., I got into a really unnecessary arguement with my literature teacher. I shant elaborate the explicit details of the most childish conflict online or I might get caught and forced to make some public apology (For something I... actually... I was just scolded for nothin... so... If ya wanna know the details... just ask me=)
But I must thank Victor and Kenneth for really standing up to make things clear.- How arrogance can get on every sane person's nerve...arg. But fear not guys, I got you covered- I told our form teacher to listen to our side of the story first before swallowing all the first-hand Bu*lsh*t from whomever it may(MAY) concern.
Currently, I've been really busy with floorball... though I really miss rugby. AND, I've yet to find time for 'Art day'. *Sigh*
But once it's over, I'll be back people!
I was really glad that the new coach actually acknowledged me as the touch rugby- boys captain=)
Thanks
So that's for my sports life
Now for my studies. I passed only 2 H2 subjects (dang.)
For Lit-I passed, but I really had thought I could have gotten higher with my content.
For Geog- I failed by 1.75 marks... not forgetting that I missed a 25 mark question because I thought I could have done either one of the two 25 mark questions (I must admit that it was REALLY Dum)
I failed Chinese B- passed the compo part (I know.. fail is fail but hey, I can't read and I'm still tryin!=)
Math went suprisingly well, disregarding the fact that I still failed.
And Econs, I passed- Just passed- but I really could have done better (If only I read the correct source!)
So ever since, I've been tryin to squeeze time to study a lil here and there, starting from term one work- In other words, I'm pretending that I just entered a JC in July.
My day?- was pretty interesting? well... it wasn't bad=)
Straight after COP, Glen, Victor and I went to Cityhall to play Local Area Network games(Can you believe it? Charles is actualy playin games?) But the most suprising part of it was that I could play CS- pretty suprising well for a complete blockhead for the game! (*cough* I was the *cough cough* top fragger *cough*) It was really funny hearing the kid beside me curse and swear after I killed his character while I was just laughing at the fact that I actually managed to hit someone. (He eventually decided that I was looking at his scrren( I wasn't ) and he turned the entire monitor away (HAHAHAHA) Then the child prodigy started lookin at my screen (Your Welcome!=) Jokes! It's just a game dude! hahaha.
Random fact- It has been more than a year since I've last played LAN games at all (WOW~). And four hours straight made me desperate to find a tree to fight myopiaX)
So then Glen and I went to have lunch, and we made our ways home. I went to serangoon to meet up with Joevenn to study (Which we did... a lil) then I thaught him how to play floorball. He left early so i stayed on till about eleven thirty, practicing running with the holey ball (It was tiring I tell you!). And finally, back home.
I've been thinking alot lately- kinda like always.
Everytime I try to talk to you
I forget when I want to be perfect too
Everytime I try to pull a smile
The weight of my thoughts make me lost for awhile
Don't get me wrong because you really get to me
It just comes five seconds later and then you'd see
See me jump, squeal and rhyme
Muffled in action like a fanatic mime
Is my hair out of place
Heart beats out of pace
A galloping steed winning the race
But I don't know how to begin
All the courage locked in
It'll be my own sin
If I don't ask you in
I know what to do
But it doesn't make sense cause its you
I needa be something different, be something new
Be who I am
Be the one who began
And reach for that hand
With a touch, not to end.
I Lay onto velvet Empyrean
Keeping real, your sweet thaughts aLways
CHAD
What are the odds?
Friday, June 29
Now
Anyways, it was really nice to see you again, and yea, it did take me completely aback when you appeared- probably messed up my mind so bad that screwed up!- Just Kidding=)
"The side of my eye
Saw your contrast with the backdrop sky
It couldn't have been how your steps came closer
Though not for me, but it took me over
One called my name and I chose not to believe
I turned away for a moment relieved
Turned to face another hundred eyes
Telling me I can't disguise
The racing heart, the running mind
Simply to say- I lost track of time-
I've been on some movie spree recently:
Watched Fantastic Four with Glen on wednesday (Geog would be tomorrow)
Watched Hot Fuzz with Glen @ Nine on Thursday
Came home, took a shower and watched 300 with dad (He fell asleep)
Today (Friday) I'm gonna watch transformers with Dad and Bros.
Take it from me, Hot Fuzz is one of the best shows I've ever seen- wonderful British Humor!
So now after all the time I had to do the things I wanna do have completely slipped through my fingers, I'm gonna (finally) go through the entire mid-year syllabus (bit by bit and shred it really). And I'm guessing, while all of you are enjoying after exams day, I'd be in some place studyin my ass of on a topic you'd probably laugh at. But yea, I need to nail my studies- about time too... or a little late.
Then... I've got the other things I wanna do (swears*- about the expected time constraint. I'm probably gonna have to livelike the Hot Fuzz character, on the dot.)
# Floorball...'A' Divs- gotta practice.
#Touch Rug... Oh well, if anything's up and they decide I should know, as tentative vice cap, then yea, I'll be here=)
#Joe, Kev and I intend to have an art day (very looking forward to it)
#The Crew! We have to do PeiCai's teacher's day
#And I've yet to record (sorry Faizal, you will get the first copy, and I wanna say, I really appreciate you're most enthusiastic support.
#Contact Rugby... I always have to ask myself, how far can we go? But it's really fun- I just gotta warm up to some people=)
#Ivan did ask me to join basketball- I'm up to the challenge, but not the time- sorry dude, if I finally get the time I'll play, but I don't wanna do anything I'm not gonna put my heart fully in to.
#I hope that's all... Oh yea...Free Running! (Glen! look @ what you've done! Now I've got another Extreme sport on my mind!!!!!!)
In four minutes I'm gonna get ready and pack my bag.
School's gonna start... And I'm in the holiday mood- yea seriously (A lil late also I know, but the holiday didn't feel like one at all) HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- not funny
HAHAHHAHA
ok it's eleven thirds- See ya!
Looking forward to the next half- year!
All the best people,
Cheers!
Friday, June 1
Oh yea... jokes, I woke up seeing a text from Glenn saying he cant make it for gym today so i dropped the phone and plonked straight in bed. HAHAHA then he thought I already went but forgot to bring my phone (cuz I plonked without replying) and took a cab there- sorry! So at nine, I woke up and replied- It's ok, no worries- and he was already on his way there! He called me up and I was... "oh no...you gotta be kiddin me". So i rolled out of bed and ran to the iron to iron my uniform- I was a wreck and stuffed my bag with whatever I thought I needed. And even without socks I strapped on my blades and flew to the bus stop. Notice I didnt mention washing up at all? Missing the morning wash was still ok... but I forgot to bathe the day before- dont worry, I felt as disgusted as you do now- HAHAHHAHAHAHA!
So we gymed still
and never used our blades after = I lugged it all the way to school
And I attended this seminar... wasn't completely useless but... well.... ok , I had a good time drawing=)
After that, I sat around the canteen and hung out with Esther, Sandran, Victoria and... Ah.... yea i think that was all there after andd they were contetmplating on wether to watch a movie or not- they ended up watching an old flick on Wee Sin's lappy while I realised i had tuition at home in em... what was it... fifteen minutes?- HAHAHHAHAHA- not funny.
Tuition was fun=)
Then I went home to... no i didnt... I went to ppopular! yeap, and finally signed up for a students card. I kinda spent the rest of the day at home clearing my wreck of a room and it actually looks neat again! *claps!*
The rest of the night was spent on msn and listening to music- plus buying dinner for dad and I=)
Heres to you=)
SS-Awake
With every appearance by you, blinding my eyes,
I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do.
You're an angel disguised.
And you're lying real still,
but your heart beat is fast just like mine.
And the movie's long over,
that's three that have passed, one more's fine.
Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
I'm trying real hard not to shake. I'm biting my tongue,
but I'm feeling alive and with every breathe that I take,
I feel like I've won. You're my key to survival.
And if it's a hero you want,
I can save you. Just stay here.
Your whispers are priceless.
Your breath, it is dear. So please stay near.
Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
Thursday, May 31
Anyhow, about my day... it was pretty uneventful for the first half. Except for the part where I went to meet the Aquila Excos to dicuss the entire organisation. I volunteered to design the board and, *claps* they liked the idea! *phew*
And in the evening, Hamim Audi and I went jamming! It was fantastic! (Like it is for almost every jamming session I go to) and we played songs like, 'Your Guardian Angel' and 'Wherever You will Go'. Thanks guys! It was really fun!
Uh yea... and I am burnt, very burnt from yesterday's tournament! My entire face is falling off(skin only=) but yea, its bad enough. Anyhow, I hope everyone is having a real happy holiday! (I know it don't exactly feel like one but...=D)
Anyhow, here's one of my favourite songs by RJA:
Your Guardian Angel:
When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
Cuz you're my, you're my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away,
Please tell me you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be ok
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
Wednesday, May 30
An angry poem
Lacerations twitch my kneels and blisters scale my heels
And my heart winds the reels
You can't blame me for how I feel
The hooks gone rusty
But still be no catch
I burn the fire
But no ferry I fetch
I'll be clenching these fists so tight
And squeeze out these tears of a melancholic night.
So what if the acid burns my filled stomache
When I'm starving in a famine of broken dreams
She walks this way, and walks away
Steps over the letters which I've strung and lay
And I wanted to stand point and lead
But now i'm left where open wounds bleed
Explicities roll off my tongue,
Blunt as my mind
And the wants for a change
Becomes a suffocating bind
And the best locks where my closest feelings be kept
Morph to an open floor where the winds have them swept
Angst says maul in vengence
Conscions fence me in sane defence
But of all the wars I indulge, in a punishment gluttony
There is one of the all which instead devours me
The mountains I cannot move, the rivers I can never change
The noise I cannot silence, and the happiness in mocking range
Sure I am angry, but what do you care?
Give me an example of one time, anywhere
Shovelling feet carry me through the bars and i'll lock myself up
The walls will scream out graffiti depressions while I down a poison cup
Even perspiration will race to keep a distance of my fluctuating thoughts
And the pulsating rythm shallows in eroding clots
I cant sleep because my intuition is twisted
And more twisted it becomes when the night races pass me
I am angry that I cant think of confide
Only to lead myself to social suicide
So upon a passing soul I plead for a dime
Roll on the floor like a demented mime
To recieve a palm of treason injustice
So I cling to its ankles with desperate practice
To taste the shun of an even more broken charade
Impale my discrimination in the charade parade
I'd say **** the world but there are nicer words to use
to describe a heart splintered into my skin,
A mind far abused.
Charles
I thought it was really cool that the captain position for touch was going to some really nice mate. But i cracked like a glass when I saw it fall in her hhands instead of mine. Something in me knew that if it weren't her, it'd have been me. And I have yet to swallow it, I really wanted it, I guess I wasn't enough. -stares at screen-
There slips something else, right through these fingers
Project work is getting on my nerves, not at all because of the people im working with- they're great people, but its because this subject feels like a huge road block, a tangled knot on a string, its just in the way. And I cant just overlook it.
Today, there was a touch Rugby tournament, well done girls- it was a good experiencec at least= and we can all learn from it. I felt the main factor there was speed, but you'd all stab me for making you run too much. Yea, i'd help if I were something.
But something was missing, and it wasn't a position.
It was an empty space.
And after the game, 6 hours later, we went for dinner, Glenn, Moses, Mas, Ting and I. It was nice getting to know them better and they are all wonderful people to me, interesting too. There was of course alot to learn.
What's that saying which refers to the situation of having a great day crushed at its end?
I guess it was a little hard for me to smile and lie through my teeth, but yea. I hate to point out names, and I guess by now you'd have known. But how the hell can anyone expect tact when tact isn't in their dictionary in the first place?
I need some sleep, but my minds' yet to feel tired.
and there is so much more to say...
Friday, May 18
Today was sports day, got a silvere medal for 4 by 4, i figured it was a really big achievement for me.
Had GP test and Chinese B one too.
' The world waits for no one'
I am terribly tempted to twist that line with love
'But I'll wait for you-'
Why?
'Because you are my world'
Yea I've been having all these insane build ups of stress anger and joy.
I had fun mingling with the crowd and making new friends, one of which I remember was 'fifi'
'But the hustle and bustle become a silent noise'
What? yea, I cant stop, it just keeps coming. I don't quite understand all these poetic things which come to my mind. I guess -
'It came its time to begin, The dormant Love bird within awakes to sing'
I will score no less than Bs for my summer test.
I will record the 'Troubled Clleff'
I will floor the ball sport.
I will gain 4 kgs
I will break in the moves for august
'Something snapped within when something closed without
Something rose to begin, when something died out.'
'I'll silence it before the first note
And I'll write over the lines I first wrote'
All said-
Hearing the same calling, trying to be bliss
Even If I had to, believe not I'll try
Sympathy dont matter, may it not if you cry
Anything would be better
If you left me alone
Deep in you know, such is true to the bone
I know it is not true
Something I can do
Anything if it be
I just want nothing but you
Did it not come out right?
Where do you get such empty hopes?
Everyone listens but with so much to cope.
So I know I'm not the best, but the best that I can,
Anything for you, everything I am!
I don't think you quite get it, or more choose to believe not
Do you not see my actions, I want you to be forgot.
I believe anything can be, can you at least try to see?
Care not do I yet, I don't want us to be.
Reasons I cannot help are the odds that I'll fight!
It is no one's fault if you lose slumber tonight.
Everything my Love! Everything I'll give!
Do thyself a favour, and take oneself's leave.
Charles
I just went up to my dad's room to check if he was home, and happened to glace at a photo of me and my two younger brothers there. Something struck me, guilt. I felt ripped inside for some reason. Somehow I had wished they could go back to the time when they were younger, and I'd take care of them, the way I can't now, like a bigger 'kor'. I recall how I always thought they were a hassle, and now that I only see them once a week, they've become a 'hassle' I miss. They aren't exactly doing well in school, and I know they need me, unconsciously to guide them, I'll find the time, I have to.
My dawgs in the hood aren't in the best times. I don't know if I'm in the position to say anything in detail, but we really gotta pull through. We gonna run it on teacher's day- Slip slide pass we know who what when where and why and we gonna find how to serve em up. 'It's the respect that's keepin us goin'
The june holidays are coming and I'm actually quite excited. Though studys' gonna be the main flow of everything, I've got things on the list to tick off. Glen and I are gonna 'burn it' for rugby, the hood and I 'run it' for august, I and I 'crash it' for floorball tournament, Joelle, Keniston, and I gonna 'chinga chang' out our first album (I really hope it pulls through), and I've got to finally spend some time with Mum, and I wanna spend some time wit you...
But I guess the real Icing on this life of mine is far out of reach.
It's really ironic how the easiest things to do become so hard, like saying... anything, anything at all, like smiling or forgetting it all.
I'm guessing by now, you already know,
Cause it's been louder than the words which were saying so,
May all the world witness what I speak inside
Yesterday's feelings just come back and hide
Hoping they'd stay there and never come out
Everything goes blur when it's you I hear about
Anything becomes nothing when I catch sight of you
Remembering how it was so easy to walk right on through
Take my heart, like it wakes to your name
Intense it becomes as a passion of flame
Sober and silent, in a sweet summer setting
All of my prayers for one single blessing
Cold or warm or both at a time
Repeating those seconds over in my mind
Yet in the Empyrean of your presence I feel as fragile as strong
Singing the chorus of the closest love song
Take my heart to make or to break
Anything I'd do - any risk I would take
Living this life would be living a lie, If I said when I saw you, my heart didn't fly
Charles
Monday, May 14
Lock to Unlock
But it is miles away from easy
There are so many things to do
And I probably forgot anything but busy
I probably forgot everything except work
I probably forgot everything but strain
I probably forgot what I've forgot
Then again, probably not
I haven't forgot, and I know I can't
I try to forget, but it keeps coming back
Back to the time I tried waving at you
And even the time my words tried to pull through
How I keep stumbling on the breath which called out your name
And the smile which left me far from the same
There are so many things but you keep coming on top,
All the world is piling, they're not letting me stop
I've got somewhere to go, and I'm starting again
I'm rollin the dice, but this isn't a game
I've got somewhere to go but there's something I should do
Because every little move is drawing me to you
I better lock up my heart because I'm already falling
Lock it away because I hear your name calling
I still look around to see if you're around
And I unconsciously hope you're all safe and sound
I'll lock up my heart and I'll throw the key away
But i hope, somehow you'd find it by the end of the day
I've got somewhere to go, and just so you know
I want you right with me, wherever I go.
Charles
Sunday, May 13
My Cure
A grumbling stomache yearns for a fill,
The blistering heat makes me long for a shade
While the slump Fatigued body cries for a bed.
Now I am down with a drifting mind
And this lonely heart becomes empty in time,
No one doctor may prescribe me a pill
And I can't ignore the symptoms which kill
I try to forget, forget that you're near
That I'm sick, Love sick to tears
But I am clinging to the life of the hope in your eyes
My emotions are thirsty for the courage, to break it's disguise
The pain in my head takes only a pill,
A grumbling stomache yearns for a fill,
The blistering heat makes me long for a shade
While my slump fatigued body cries for a bed
So fill my heart, brimmed with your love
A cherry tree shelter while the sun smiles above
I wanna be more,
I wanna be yours,
You are my Love Sickness
You are My Cure.
End
Saturday, May 12
All I want you to know
I had recently participated in a talentime competition held in the college. I sang a song, I guess it'll be our song.
"If I were an Angel, you know you should be by my side
And I cant, no I can't care about the stars in the sky at night,
I would tear, I will tear, I would tear my wings off,
I would dive, I would dive, I would dive to your side
because I see my brighter heaven,
deep in your eyes."
I didn't win, because i didn't manage to sing the whole song, while on the verge of drowning in my own tears in front of a thousand students.
Saph, I miss you.
I may be seventeen, and I may have a long way in life to go.
But I know where I want to go after my last breath.
After earning my ticket to heaven, I would walk, run and fly...
...until I found a garden,
one with black roses all around.
And I'll sit on a bench, right beside you.
I'll hold you hand and never let go, and I'll tell you everything...
that I missed you,
that all I thought of was us...
And that-
you know I Love you too.
When I went home without a heart
(Entry)
I wish I didn't have to leave. But we can't fight heaven. I never allowed myself to admit it, but... WHy is it only after I decide that I have fallen in love that I have to leave? You know I love- (the last word was smuged, a tear?)
I began to cry again, pride had little to no value for me as I let myself sob and wail like a newborn. I wanted to see her so badly, I needed to see her, I had to tell her something. There were countless instances where I wanted to take my own life just so I could pay her a visit, permanently. But taking your own life only sends you to hell, the furthest place from her.
I misss you Saph.
Don't leave me
She was there, standing in the flesh. To Chad, he saw her, and seeing was believing, nothing else mattered.
"Saph!... I knew they got it wrong! Thank God your Okay! I was so worried! Did you see the article?! It said you were-"
"Chad..."
"I know! It's so crazy! How can they say your dead if your right here?!"
"Chad!" She cried, and slowly, tears began rolling down her cheek, before she continued "There's nothing wrong with the article..." Saph stretched out a trembling hand, and passed Chad a familiar sheet of crumpled paper. Chad opened it up, it was the article. This time, he noticed the date, the year, 2004 Three years ago, when the dreams stopped. "No Saph... it can't... your not dead! you're standing right here!"
"They told you Chad, you know already."
"It was a dream! A stupid dream!" Chad began denying his entire encounter with the 'white' voice, quiverring so much in denial that he shook tears out of his eyes.
"Now that you know, I have to go"
"You can't go Saph..." Hoping she could change her mind.
"I can't stay, I'm not even here! See! non of them can see me!" she said, pointing to the huge, puzzled crowd behind her.
Saj was in the front row, watching Chad in utter confusion, why was Chad talking to nobody?
"I don't care Saph! I can see you! I know your here!"
"Chad... I must go"
Saph took her steps toward Chad, and kisssed him on his left cheek, which only made him cry even more uncontrollably. She turned away and began walking toward the oblivious crowd. It was heart shattering as Chad slowly watched as Saph disappeared into thin air, until all he was looking at, was a seemingly frightened parade before him.
Saturday, April 14
The book (Saph's journal)
Tell me...
"Hello?"
-silence-
I watched enough movies to say "Am I in heaven?", I started laughing to myself at how stupid I sounded uitil a surrounding voice boomed at me,
"No"
"Oh shit! I'm in hell?"
-silence-
And then a less dominating voice replied me,
"You're just dead"
"What?"
"They're not gonna make the same mistake again"
"What mistake?"
When I was born, I was dead, I came up in two places at once, I had commited no sin, I popped up in heaven. Inexplicably, the doctor's who deliverd me managed to bring me back, and I fell straight back to earth. My birth was chaotic, how could you go to heaven and come back down? It was broke the 'treaty' that the departed are to stay departed. So hell sent up a few of their minions just to return the favour.
I asked the voice everything, and I got all the answers I could ever want, more than I even asked for.
I could 'see' because in my seconds in heaven I saw spirits, and it became part of my sight.
"They couldn't touch you, so they played with your sleep"
"So why'd they stop?"
"Because they found something more valuable, something they 'can' get."
"What? What was it?" I was starving for knowledge, I knew this was my only source.
"They were after Saph."
"Saph?! They stopped for Saph?"
"Saph had a twin sister-"
"Why Saph?! Her sister killed her! Selphie! They should be after Selphie-"
"Yes, they were...
The angels stood on one end, tall, bright, clean and the nether ones stood on the other, broken, charred, very much dead, both were called upon to collect their souls. Because both of them departed in the same period, both sides met. One was to be taken below for murder, and only one was to be taken above for being victomised in innocence. Sapphire was aware her sister was going to hell, and she learnt in church it was eternal torment. Inspite of the murder, she forgave, forgot, and gave her place up in heaven, the ultimate sacrifice, for Selphie. Saph was good, and hell's finger couldn't touch her. So she remained on earth, all this while.
"Why can't she go up?"
"Because her seat is taken..."
"Is there no way?"
"Her sister will leave, for purgetry and burn"
"Hell?"
"No, The flame which purges sin, and her seat will be ready after"
"She can come back soon"
I had so much to digest, so i decided to ask a lighter question,
"One more thing... do you use toilets in heave- A burst of wind shot forth into my face and a huge hand of light grabbed and threw my from wherever I was, straight into my body- "AH! Eyes opened, I sat up, catching a first breath."
"He's awake!" There were cheers and commotion all over. I was just waiting for an answer. I looked at the crowd of medics, left and right, and caught sight, behind a box of first aid- equipment. I got up, "Wow kid! lie down!" but I didn't listen, and heaved my revived corpse all the way to the field.
Chad's Journal
General Paper
"Why's everyone so Ugh?"
"Read the article dude.."
'When does sibling rivalry get out of hand, and for those who's differences can't be seen... This tragedy has left fifty-two year old Mr Jason Craig Paralysed after suffering from shock after the breaking news that his-' "So what's the srticle about again Josh?" I asked, hoping to get the two second summary from him, but he hadn't finished the article himself, "Read the article.". "Right, thanks."
I wish I had been my stubborn self and continued bugging him for the detailess summary. I resumed reading and I became anchored to the cold earth, my galaxy field trip vanished. "No!" I shouted! Everyone was stunned at the random expression. Ms Leong rushed over and asked, "What? what happened?" "This didn't happen!" I threw the article on the table and dashed out of the classroom. I didn't know where I was running to but I made for the canteen first, then the hall, then every single classroom, completely oblivious to the way I was barging in like a loose mental patient and vanishing like they just saw a mirage. I ran back to the canteen and started looking under the tables, and I could feel my vision grow blur, my eyes become heavy, and my cheeks become drenched. "Saph!" I stood in the middle of the canteen, surrounded by a crowd of completely puzzled students, "Saph!" I screamed, but she didnt reply. "no..." Blur became black.
continuation to the article-
'his two twin daughters, Sapphire and Selphie, 17 were found dead in Kingston Park just yesterday'
Bye?
"Hey Saj, wanna get something to drink?" I asked, out of courtesy. "Nah, thanks, gonna get a drink for Saph too?" he replied, laughing and shaking his head after. "Right" I acknowledged, and made my way. Natasha had just bought a stack of economics notes and was walking back to the table. "Hey Nat, seen Saph?", "Never see her!". I had to ask Saph something.
Faster than I could remember, we were walking from dinner again.
"Saph"
"Yea?"
"Where were you in school today?"
"Lessons?"
"Hmmm... alright"
"Haha, why?"
"Nothing... Well... I was just looking for you, that's all." I said, with a smile.
"Oh, what for?"
"... I"
"Hmm?"
" Was.. just wanted to check if we were gonna meet for dinner", Why couldn't I have thought of a better excuse?
"We meet every night? Jokes."
"Actually, I just missed you" I whispered to myself.
"What?"
"Nothin!" But I know she heard me.
"Well, here we are.. cya Saph"
"Yea... I wanna buy a drink first"
"It's kinda late, why dont you just drink at ho-"
"Hold on!" She ran off and returned as fast as she did with a bottle of half frozen coke. The thought of her sudden odd craving for frozen softdrinks amused me.
"Ok! done, see ya tomorrow!" She waved and began walking off. She had a habit of never letting me finish what I had wanted to say, I had a habit of finding it cute.
"Oh wait!" she stopped, walked back-
I asked, "Forgot somethi-" My question was interrupted tremendously with a cold(frozen coke I guess) kiss (she skipped away straight after), which sent my mind spinning and my body went numb. I stood there "Did she just..- no...-yes! no! Hahaha! Did she?!Long after she skipped away, i finally stretched out my hand, "Bye?"
Monday, April 9
O'z dpttu dod
I told him I fainted, having being asked to see a doctor was bad enough, I didnt need anyone to recommend a psychiatrist, I knew I wasn't mad. That wasn't a dream, my dad saw me. Are they becoming real?
By twelve in the afternoon, I was bored to death, but too weary to do anything normally. The small thought of my morning encounter made me twitch. I spent my afternoon sitting in a corner, trying to piece together all my dreams and find the link to the 'mailman'. It became so demanding on my mind that unknowingly, I fell asleep, which by then I would have begun to want to avoid.
I returned to the bench, the dreaded scene of Saph murdering her helpless friend. Everything was frozen in time like it was waiting for me to recollect and recognize where I was now, and it continued.
The stabbing continued, there was blood splattered all over Saph's arms and behind the gushing and slashing sounds, I could hear sobbing. I think she was crying, I don't think she wanted to kill. But Like one murder wasn't enough, she took the very same blade... and slashed her own wrist. Suicide by guilt? The seconds on her life were slowly ticking away. She kneeled over her friend's dead body and removed her scarf. No, it wasn't possible... it was Saph too. My mind was spinning, nothing made sense at all, my life felt like a box of puzzle pieces from all different boxes. Then the murderer leaned over and said softly, loud enough for me to hear, "O'z dpttu dod" The last word echoed continuously and I slowly opened my eyes.
Another drea-... Nightmare.
Saturday, April 7
Note!
Another day, not.
Nat: I'm so bored
Saj: Yea, me too
Me: I'm so bored
Nat: That's what I said.
Me: Oh... haha alright
Lecturer: Chad! One more time!
Josh: Haha, poor boy
Me:...
Nat: Chad, you performing for the concert?
Me:...
Saj:I think he doesn't want to get busted.
Me:hmmm...
Josh: Yo guys wanna go for lunch later?
Saj: Yea!
Nat: Sounds good!
Me: Maybe.
Lecturer: Chad... I want to see you after this lecture
Me(whispering): Shit!
Saj and Nat: Poor Boy!
Once the lecture hall was cleared, I got an ear full for talking too much. Being someone who isn't in need of the teacher's attention, I took it all. Saj and Nat waited for me outside and gave me a warm welcome of laughs upon my exit from the hall, from which we made our way back to the usual spot. I remained at the table to take care of their belongings and Saph came over. "Hey Chad! How's your morning?". Pretty wonderful!" I replied! "That's great!", Saph obviously didn't catch the verbal irony I was using. "Anyhow, Saph, how'd you get inspiration for writing lyrics?" I asked. "Well,"-She took a deep breath, ready to give a speech- "I just write down how I feel about something, someone, anything, everything! Relate it to the things around you, colors, shapes, like a painting" She smiled. I smiled back. "Well, I'll catch you around!" She ran off. "Ah.. Bye?", I don't think she heard me.
Today we were released early because the J2s had a preliminary examination in preparation for their 'A' levels. Saj and Natasha had to stay back because they ran into some trouble with the math teacher, for talking in class. "Haha, poor guys" I thought jokingly.
I walked to the Train station like I always do, but at the crossing I saw Sapphire. She was talking to an old man who wasn't looking at her. "Hey Saph, what's up?". "Oh, hey... It's nothing, I was just helping this blind man cross the road, he's going to the station, you are too right?" she replied. I smiled to myself, "Yea, I'll take him" The three of us walked slowly, quietly to the station and I passed the man to one of the kind passengers who was going to the same stop as him. "That was really nice of you Saph" "Nah, I just wanted to help, makes me feel great!" she said, stretching her arms out, like she had just made a great achievement.
"Saph, you going anywhere now?"
"Nope... are you gonna ask me out?"
"Huh? What?"
"Nothing!"
"Haha, wanna watch a movie?"
"Yea sure!"
We watched 'Far away', which I initially thought was about two people in love who met while going to two far away places and are finding their way back to each other. Instead it was about two people who fell in love and were torn apart by circumstances they couldn't avoid, the male protagonist died in a car crash after pushing the damsel in distress out of harms way. The idea was quite unoriginal, but the sacrifice involved was great enough to make Saph cry. Don't get me wrong, I was watching the movie, but when I turned to see Saph's reaction, I witnessed a tear roll down her cheek.
"I hate the ending!" Saph said, wiping her eyes dry.
"Yea... the poor girl. I hope you enjoyed it!
"I sure did" She sniffed.
I took her to dinner at 'Long John's' again, and she still refused my offer to send her home. I actually believed she'd give in, which explains why I was at the station till eleven and got home after twelve.
My entire family was fast asleep so I sneaked in with muted stealth- if my parents found out I came home so late, they'd ground me for good. After all the 'body maintenance' I finally got to bed, lying flat on my back, staring at the ceiling hoping for something to happen when the phone rang.
"Hey Chad!"
"Hey Saph-"
"Thanks for the movie!"
"Your welcome! haha I'm really glad you liked it"
"..."
"Everything ok?"
"Yea... I really enjoyed myself"
"What are you thinking?"
"Nothing... really"
The hesitation in 'nothing' made it obvious enough that there was something up, and when a girl says 'nothing' anyone who knows better would hear it as 'something', sometimes even 'everything'.
We talked about the movie and shared our twisted feelings about the unfortunate ending, then we moved on to other movies. I can't remember why there was so much to talk about but we talked alot. When I put down the phone, I looked back up at the dark ceiling and it occurred to me. "I think... I think I like her..." I said to myself. I knew i was right, because before she called me, when I was staring at the ceiling and hoping for something to happen,... I was hoping to see her again.
Chad's Journal
Oh man! there's a school concert coming up! I dont feel like going... Mr Lim did ask me to go sing a song or two... ah wells, till next time.